Yes I know ANOTHER running story. Running for me has been an on going learning experience. I learn something about myself every race I do. The good, the bad, and the ugly.... I am always learning. This is more for me than anyone else. so if you don't feel like reading that is okay.
My last leg of the race was my "beast" this race. It started on a trail that took you to the bottom of Main Street in Park City. From there you ran right up main street on to a dirt road that turned into private property, where you had to squeeze through a fence. At this point my dang knee started hurting like it usually does when I don't prepare for a race. . . From there, the dirt road turned into complete rocks. At times the hill was so steep I had to almost crawl up it. After about a half mile of that it turned into dirt again, which turned into 3 switch backs of up hill madness. Once up these I saw the "One mile to go sign". After the sign there was a fork in the road with no sign of which way to go... So of course I and 4 other runners head up the wrong way. After two more switch backs I knew I had to be going the wrong way. There were a bunch or broken down houses with gross pillows and other stuff that I was not about to run through. After we saw this, me and the other runners turned around and figured it out together. Once I was back on the path I was done... Okay that was a lie. I was done at the middle of main street.. Then I was really really done when I saw the rocks... Then I was really really really done once I had finally found my way.
I was not prepared for this. But I knew I had to finish. I started hobbling up yet another hill with my hurt knee and my hurt pride. I wanted to run to the chute like I had in my first leg.. But I couldn't. My body had used every last ounce of energy and it was done. About half a mile left I see Riley and Mer heading down to see if they could see me. The closer I got to them the more mad at myself I was. Why the freak couldn't I do this leg fast like I thought I could? Why did it take me so long? Once I got to them my madness turned into tears and I lost it. My knee hurt, my pride was hurt, and I was about to hurt Red Rock for putting this leg into the race....ha. Once we made it to the top I passed off to Katee. I was so happy to be done.
Once in the car I was wishing that everyone had been there with me to see what I had been through. I wanted them all see and know that I had tried my hardest. I wanted them to see that I gave it my all! But they were not there. I was the only one. I am sure some people think that it wasn't as bad as I make it sound.. But until they go and do it themselves they will never know. Maybe they could have done it better than me? ( I am sure a lot of them could.) While I was running I was wishing that every person who had finished before me was telling everyone at the chute how hard it was. That there were creepy people on the trail, That we all had to rock climb to make it to the top, that everyone was getting lost and the course was not marked well! Maybe they did? I guess I will never know.
After I had finished and the madness had calmed down, I really started evaluating the situation. I started feeling proud again. Who cares if everyone thinks I am weak. Who cares if everyone thinks I didn't do my best and that I just gave up. Who cares! I began to realize that these hills were mine to climb and I did it. I did it to the best that I knew how. I finished the leg. It didn't matter how I finished all that mattered is that I did. It is amazing to me how often we need someones approval. We need to always be the best in others people eyes. Whatever happened to trying are hardest and doing are best and it being good enough? I finished and that is all that matters. I need to let go of what others think of me and be proud no matter what. I shouldn't get mad about not feeling others approval. I had my own approval. I accomplished what I wanted to do.
I really need to put this into my everyday life. I believe everyone does. Everyday we seek for others approval. We want others to see how hard we are working. Wether you are running a race, starting a new job, trying to be the best wife, trying to be the best mom, trying to be the best in your calling at church, trying to be the best husband, trying to be the best daughter or son, the list could go on and on. We all need to stop and realize that we are enough. All that matters is that as long as we are doing are best, trying are hardest and giving it are all .. That is all that matters. We shouldn't let others control the way we think. We need to be the ones in control. The people that should influence us are the ones that are going to encourage us and help us along the way. Riley and Mer where the first people that were there to help me along the way yesterday and I didn't even say thank you.THANK YOU! Thank you for finding me. You two were there to listen and to not tell me to keep running. You told me that I was doing great and a nice steady walk was good enough. I was doing good enough. And then there was everyone at the chute. In my head I was thinking that you would all be disappointed that it took so long, I thought you were all discouraged with me. Looking back I know that wasn't the case. I am now sure that wasn't what you were thinking. Thank you for cheering me on. I am so grateful for family and friends who are always there for me. For a mom and dad who take there whole Saturday off to come and watch me race, for sibling who are there with me or texting and cheering. Thanks everyone. :) And once again I couldn't race with out Riley with me. he is my rock.
Yesterday on that leg I should have finished with my head high. I should have been proud no matter what I thought people were thinking. Yesterday I told Riley that I would never do that leg of the race again.. And I think I was wrong to say that. I want to do that leg again. Not to do it better or faster but to end with my head high and proud of myself.
